I have had a very hard time getting “back to work” and as my husband and I are both full-time bloggers, it means that we are self employed. If we don’t work, we don’t get paid, you don’t get paid, and you can’t pay your bills, you can’t pay your bills…. well you know how it goes from there.  It really isn’t an option for us to be able to get to sit around and be sad. But we are. Because it is almost impossible to think about working and it meaning anything. You don’t really fell like you are sitting around… we are not intending to. But when I look back on the day I can see where I found myself lost in thought many times, that lasted 30 minutes or more.

It feels bad to try and get back to any kind of normal, like we are not doing Emma justice. There is so much guilt. I want her to know how much I miss her, and I feel like I can’t do that if she were to see me working all day or trying to work. Totally doesn’t make any sense rationally does it? But those are the things you think about all day.

Aunt Jody, Aunt Anna, Emma and baby Summer. 

My sister kindly asked me “what do you do all day?” meaning, she knows I have had a hard time working but wonders what Paul and I have been doing to stay busy. I have been sitting in this same spot for 20 minutes thinking about writing thank you cards. But I can’t find the right pen, so I gave up, and I have not seen the stamps I bought in a few days. I load the dishwasher and do the dishes but cry the entire time because it was Emma’s & my favorite chore so we fought over who got to do it first. We both hated laundry so it was a race to do the dishes. She always had headphones in or her iPod hooked up to a speaker. I wait for the mailman all day to see if there is a card, or maybe someone sent pictures of Emma to us that they found. I avoid the dining room because all the things from the viewing and funeral are sitting on the table and I don’t want to look at them. There is also a large beautiful canvas of Emma and the baby donkey on the table in a bag and I know it is there. I can’t take seeing that picture, but yet I love that picture. The dress she was wearing in the picture sits on top of the bag. Paul dressed Emma at the morgue in that dress to bring her home in, and it is just sitting in my dining room. I try to not go in there. But yet think about it all day. We go to Home Depot a lot, and then return stuff to Home Depot a lot. I open the computer and check my email, delete email, then maybe get one or two sent back. I try to look for something to post. I fold clothes. I talk to the dogs. They are sad I think. We go visit Emma. I read some of the books I have been given. I approve comments and answer some questions. I try and will myself to post something interesting. Then we go get the kids from school. It is a relief when they get home. I set an alarm to remember to eat (never have had this problem) and drink water. We get homework done, have dinner, do practice or games and then get kids ready for bed. Some days I have cleaned out closets, but I am out of closets to clean now. At night I try and figure out how to not have to go to sleep because then I have to get up and do it all over again. Night is the worst, there is too much time to think. I am scared to go to bed only to find I can’t fall asleep, it is dark and Paul is already asleep. That is the worst. That is what I do all day, pretty freaking awesome.

Emma at Astros game

Something happens when the other kids are around, I think that lifesaving Mother instinct kicks in and you are able to get more done. You take care of them, and talk to them, and make sure their needs are met. But when they are not here and it is quite, it is almost impossible to function.

Part of why this is so frustrating is that I love my job. I have always loved it. I have always thought we were the most lucky and blessed family in the world. That we could both work from home, doing what we love, make a good living helping people and see our kids as much as we do. Why is it so unsatisfying right now? Helping people should make you fell better right?

Emma modeling a Jade necklace from China for a giveaway on MyLitter

So, what do I do all day? I described physically what I do all day above. Mentally that is something completely different. I am exhausted mentally. You go through EACH day the range from trying to figure out if you could have changed things, to thinking about the future without her, to even wondering if she was in pain and scared when she passed. It is terrible. As much as you try and not think about the bad things, everything is bad. Because it all still means she isn’t here. Which isn’t acceptable.

You think about how you are going to preserve her memory and make sure your little kids remember her. How do I make sure everyone remembers her, then you have to remind yourself that the entire world didn’t know her, and you think how sad for them.

Someone in a grocery store asked me the other day how many children I have. I stuttered and looked like a moron I am sure. It is a simple question. I couldn’t answer. I wasn’t prepared for it. So now daily in my head I actually practice what to say. I also think about how I would answer other questions I am not prepared for so I can be prepared and not freak out with what to say.

Paul, Tiffany, Tucker, Emma and Paige on the Great Wall of China

Aren’t they amazing kids? ^^^ They are so beautiful. I am so lucky to be their Mom. You would do anything for your kids. I have worked so hard for them. Why is it so impossible to find that drive again, to try and focus to be able to get something meaningful done during the day.

People tell you to “take all the time you need to grieve.” That is easy to say when you have someone else paying your bills, or a regular paycheck coming in. Can you grieve and still manage to work at the same time? Probably. But when a lot of what you do is creative, brainstorming ideas, being happy and positive, I think it is fair to say that is much more difficult to do when grieving. I can’t possible make a happy, encouraging video about shopping at CVS right now when I have not cut a coupon out for 6 weeks and don’t care if I have toothpaste or not. OR I can be totally honest and say, “Know what? I don’t have to worry about buying toothpaste because I have enough to last for a while, because that is what I have been trying to tell people all long… be prepared. You don’t know what life is going to throw at you. You don’t know when you are going to lose a job, or get sick, or have a death. Isn’t it nice I FREAKING don’t have to cut out coupons and worry about that stuff right now because I was prepared and already have it.” Maybe that is my message while I grieve.

I don’t get much work done. I do get a lot of thinking done. I get time with my husband. I have organized almost everything in my home. I can go to the temple, thankfully I have one close. I visit Emma. I think about her and pray that she knows how much I love her. I talk to her and tell her I can’t wait to see her again. Right now, that is good enough, and hopefully day by day, we find the strength to get going again on the worldly things that are required while we are here.

You can read more about Emma by clicking the links below. 

Only Six Weeks Ago

One Month Away From Emma

Visiting Emma

Emma Evelyn Ivanovsky