I have had a very hard time getting “back to work” and as my husband and I are both full-time bloggers, it means that we are self employed. If we don’t work, we don’t get paid, you don’t get paid, and you can’t pay your bills, you can’t pay your bills…. well you know how it goes from there. It really isn’t an option for us to be able to get to sit around and be sad. But we are. Because it is almost impossible to think about working and it meaning anything. You don’t really fell like you are sitting around… we are not intending to. But when I look back on the day I can see where I found myself lost in thought many times, that lasted 30 minutes or more.
It feels bad to try and get back to any kind of normal, like we are not doing Emma justice. There is so much guilt. I want her to know how much I miss her, and I feel like I can’t do that if she were to see me working all day or trying to work. Totally doesn’t make any sense rationally does it? But those are the things you think about all day.
Aunt Jody, Aunt Anna, Emma and baby Summer.
My sister kindly asked me “what do you do all day?” meaning, she knows I have had a hard time working but wonders what Paul and I have been doing to stay busy. I have been sitting in this same spot for 20 minutes thinking about writing thank you cards. But I can’t find the right pen, so I gave up, and I have not seen the stamps I bought in a few days. I load the dishwasher and do the dishes but cry the entire time because it was Emma’s & my favorite chore so we fought over who got to do it first. We both hated laundry so it was a race to do the dishes. She always had headphones in or her iPod hooked up to a speaker. I wait for the mailman all day to see if there is a card, or maybe someone sent pictures of Emma to us that they found. I avoid the dining room because all the things from the viewing and funeral are sitting on the table and I don’t want to look at them. There is also a large beautiful canvas of Emma and the baby donkey on the table in a bag and I know it is there. I can’t take seeing that picture, but yet I love that picture. The dress she was wearing in the picture sits on top of the bag. Paul dressed Emma at the morgue in that dress to bring her home in, and it is just sitting in my dining room. I try to not go in there. But yet think about it all day. We go to Home Depot a lot, and then return stuff to Home Depot a lot. I open the computer and check my email, delete email, then maybe get one or two sent back. I try to look for something to post. I fold clothes. I talk to the dogs. They are sad I think. We go visit Emma. I read some of the books I have been given. I approve comments and answer some questions. I try and will myself to post something interesting. Then we go get the kids from school. It is a relief when they get home. I set an alarm to remember to eat (never have had this problem) and drink water. We get homework done, have dinner, do practice or games and then get kids ready for bed. Some days I have cleaned out closets, but I am out of closets to clean now. At night I try and figure out how to not have to go to sleep because then I have to get up and do it all over again. Night is the worst, there is too much time to think. I am scared to go to bed only to find I can’t fall asleep, it is dark and Paul is already asleep. That is the worst. That is what I do all day, pretty freaking awesome.
Emma at Astros game
Something happens when the other kids are around, I think that lifesaving Mother instinct kicks in and you are able to get more done. You take care of them, and talk to them, and make sure their needs are met. But when they are not here and it is quite, it is almost impossible to function.
Part of why this is so frustrating is that I love my job. I have always loved it. I have always thought we were the most lucky and blessed family in the world. That we could both work from home, doing what we love, make a good living helping people and see our kids as much as we do. Why is it so unsatisfying right now? Helping people should make you fell better right?
Emma modeling a Jade necklace from China for a giveaway on MyLitter
So, what do I do all day? I described physically what I do all day above. Mentally that is something completely different. I am exhausted mentally. You go through EACH day the range from trying to figure out if you could have changed things, to thinking about the future without her, to even wondering if she was in pain and scared when she passed. It is terrible. As much as you try and not think about the bad things, everything is bad. Because it all still means she isn’t here. Which isn’t acceptable.
You think about how you are going to preserve her memory and make sure your little kids remember her. How do I make sure everyone remembers her, then you have to remind yourself that the entire world didn’t know her, and you think how sad for them.
Someone in a grocery store asked me the other day how many children I have. I stuttered and looked like a moron I am sure. It is a simple question. I couldn’t answer. I wasn’t prepared for it. So now daily in my head I actually practice what to say. I also think about how I would answer other questions I am not prepared for so I can be prepared and not freak out with what to say.
Paul, Tiffany, Tucker, Emma and Paige on the Great Wall of China
Aren’t they amazing kids? ^^^ They are so beautiful. I am so lucky to be their Mom. You would do anything for your kids. I have worked so hard for them. Why is it so impossible to find that drive again, to try and focus to be able to get something meaningful done during the day.
People tell you to “take all the time you need to grieve.” That is easy to say when you have someone else paying your bills, or a regular paycheck coming in. Can you grieve and still manage to work at the same time? Probably. But when a lot of what you do is creative, brainstorming ideas, being happy and positive, I think it is fair to say that is much more difficult to do when grieving. I can’t possible make a happy, encouraging video about shopping at CVS right now when I have not cut a coupon out for 6 weeks and don’t care if I have toothpaste or not. OR I can be totally honest and say, “Know what? I don’t have to worry about buying toothpaste because I have enough to last for a while, because that is what I have been trying to tell people all long… be prepared. You don’t know what life is going to throw at you. You don’t know when you are going to lose a job, or get sick, or have a death. Isn’t it nice I FREAKING don’t have to cut out coupons and worry about that stuff right now because I was prepared and already have it.” Maybe that is my message while I grieve.
I don’t get much work done. I do get a lot of thinking done. I get time with my husband. I have organized almost everything in my home. I can go to the temple, thankfully I have one close. I visit Emma. I think about her and pray that she knows how much I love her. I talk to her and tell her I can’t wait to see her again. Right now, that is good enough, and hopefully day by day, we find the strength to get going again on the worldly things that are required while we are here.
You can read more about Emma by clicking the links below.
Part comedian, part Dad, part athlete. He will boss around your children while they play ball.
Just as angelic as she looks, this girl could easily raise a Village by herself, and all the children would grow up to be President.
Self proclaimed, she would be a webkinz dog. Because, "they're cute, and puppies are too. And they're sweet and they always get along with other puppies."
This mini-Martha Stewart can handle ANY craft you send her way. She isn't all bows and rainbows, she's got karate kid moves!
Not "Pick-Me-Up" like caffeine, she wants you to pick her up! AND NOW!
Anything that can be destroyed WILL be destroyed!
Practically Perfect in Every Way for now! Nicknamed "The Panda" she is rolly polly and lives by the motto, "the little one, is KING!"
The resident Labradoodle, Miller got his name because Mom won and got to name the baby! Need something chewed up? He'll take care of it. Especially if it's expensive..
I feel like I’ve been punched in the heart after reading this and am trying to write this through my tears. As a mother, I can’t begin to imagine how difficult it is to even just breathe, let alone function. I’m certain that there is nothing anyone can say or do to help you or ease your pain. What I can say is that if you keep writing and it helps you, we will keep reading and sending you all of the prayers from internet space. God Bless you Tiffany and God bless your family. I am so, so sorry for your family.
It has been 8 years since I lost my daughter who was only 15 days old. I understand every thought that goes thru your mind, you think of EVERYTHING! I still think to this day how I would have fixed her hair this morning for school. But finally I have decided to see a therapist, because I have not dealt with it in a healthy way. Now I am a single mom with one son. Please cherish having your children and loving husband. In my bad days, all I wanted to do was sleep, since I was not working. I wish had I worked to keep my mind busy. To this day people ask me how many kids I have and I still don’t kno what to say. I want so badly to proudly say I have 2 kids!!!!! I can’t… I just say I have one(only if I really don’t know them and don’t want to explain). Only to people around me I brag about my daughter and her beauty. You will always experience phases and they will always change. Losing a child is not the way we were made to function, but the hope of the future and my son’s happiness is what motivates me to keep going. You do anything for your kids, even if they have no idea…
Gigi is right !.
if you keep writing and it helps you, we will keep reading and sending you all of the prayers from internet space.
Gigi is right !.
`if you keep writing and it helps you, we will keep reading and sending you all of the prayers from internet space`.
I not always reply to your posts but I’m constantly thinking and praying about you and your beautiful family.
When you mention Going to the temple, are you LDS? If so, that brings me great comfort that you have the
Knowledge of eternal families. I can’t even imagine what you are going through. I love reading all your posts about Emma. I have a daughter named Emme that is about the same age. I can’t imagine losing her or going through this difficult time. You are amazing that you can clean out closets. I would not be able to do anything. But that is the sad part, you have to.
I have a son and a daughter that both went on missions. It was a death to me when they left. Everyone asks me if it gets easier with time but my answer is no it did not get easier, you just get used to it.
I’m praying for your family! My cousin is a grief counselor and she has been posting articles about grief and losing a child all week. I will find the link for you. Maybe it will help a little?
Yes, she is LDS. 🙂
Stephanie, I too would like that info. And I’m so sorry to hear about your little girl Emma. In our eyes, our children will always be our little kids. The love we have for them are so strong. Grieving is difficult and something we don’t prepare for. It truly is hard to get yourself motivated each and every day. I’m still grieving, and it scares me every morning to be alone after dropping the kids at school. I find myself having outbursts here and there.
http://transitionslifecare.org/2015/09/20/coping-with-the-death-of-a-child-intro/
I’ve commented before and I’ll comment again. “I remember” I remember watching a lot of TV after my Kalei died. I remember wondering how my laundry got folded or the dishes done (thanks to my mother who stayed with me for almost 2 months). I remember not sleeping at night because “that day” played like a movie through my head. I remember going into her room to smell her pillow. I remember thinking “how can I have any tears left?” I remember not eating. But then the next day over-eating. I remember the first time we went out to eat and had to ask for a table for 3. I bawled like a baby right there in the restaurant. I still stumble when answering “how many children do you have?” My answer depends on who is asking, but then I feel guilty if I don’t acknowledge her. I remember.
I don’t know you personally, but I do pray for you. It hurts and unless someone has gone through it, they. have. no. clue. It’s a road we never thought we would be on. A “club” I do NOT want to be a part of.
From: a mom missing my Kalei Girl to a mom missing her Emma
I’m so sorry for your loss. I know exactly what you are going through. Passing the days, what to say when they ask you how many kids you have. My daughter was only 7 when she suddenly passed. It will be 18 years this November. I can honestly say that the empty hole in your heart will always be there but those precious memories will always be there to talk about. It took me 2 months to get back to work and when asked “the question” I say no children, just a mother of an angel. I believe our angels are watching over us, giving us the strength to go on with our lives until we can hold them again. Prayers to you & Paul for comfort, peace & strength to continue making more memories with your children. #foremma
I would say…. I have 7 kids 6 on earth 1 teenager in heaven. ?????
Absolutely. I say I have four and two live in Heaven.
I cannot say that I understand how you feel because that would be a lie. I can however say that I know what it’s like to have lost a loved one (my mother) and I can related to most everything that you spoke of. What I know for me, what helped me was allowing myself to feel the feelings I had and to do just as you are doing…stay busy. However, that doesn’t make you “feel” any better. What I ended up doing was just what you did by telling your story…WRITING! I was able to get it out of my head and see it on paper. I would write letters to God because He was the One that I could tell my deepest darkest secrets/feelings to. Then and only then was I able to think about the things we did, places we went and fun that we had without the unbearable pain of it all. I pray for you that you truly find peace and comfort in this time of mourning. Joy comes in the morning the Bible says and I am believing that it will for you. God bless you and keep you!!
You don’t know me but your story has touched my heart. In Psalms it reads that “sorrow my last through the night, but joy comes in the morning”. Your joy is coming back. Jesus said “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted”. God knows what you are going through, HE himself lost a son. Continue to do your daily routines…your joy will come back. Grieve as long as you need to, your joy will come back. Your husband and your children will be part of the healing; your joy will come back. Adding you/your family to my prayer list…your joy will come back.
Day by day is all you can do, sometimes second by second. Trust me, Emma is known, you are making certain everyone possible is touched by her in some way. I send you love and strength. If you ever need anything, a text, a voice, and ear, I’m here. I’ll send you my number.
just post what is in your heart …. like this message. I still come to your blog daily and hope you don’t lose business. I pray for your family.
XOXOXO!
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted, And saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:17
I’m so sorry for your loss. I pray that the Lord comforts you and that you sense Him draw near to you and you draw near to Him.
I lost my daughters, Alice at 20 weeks gestation, Charlotte at 24 weeks, 2011 & 2012. I still stumble over the how many kids question. Though my daughters never lived here on earth, they are still my children. May God give you the right answer each time you need it.
I wish to encourage you! You are working, I just read your blog which I have no idea how I came across it but I want you to know you are helping others. Sharing your grief helps others. My father was killed tragically when I was 16 and I watched my grandmother go through the same loss of a child grieving. I have a best friend who lost a son tragically 5 years ago and I watched her go through this also. Your feelings are normal, the cloudy brain feeling, and realization of loss of time…time will not heal all wounds but it will help. Stay close to your husband and family. Your blog has blessed me and I pray you find happiness and inspiration in the days to come.
I’m so sorry for your loss and what you’re going through. I feel your pain. I lost my father 13 years ago and still cry several times a year and miss him. People mean well when they say times eases your pain but at the time it’s not what we want to hear. For the longest time I wondered how the world kept on going when I lost my dad. I will keep you and your family in my nightly prayers.
You are doing alot. That’s pretty good. You will eventually do more. Emma would want you to.
I applaud your honesty and thank you for sharing, even in the midst of such a painful journey. I hope that there will be some healing in the journey. By all means, i dont mean for this to sound like im telling you what to do or how to grieve, but i wanted to mention somethong that helped us after loosing our baby. We were able to find a grief group that proved to be such a blessing to us. We only met once a month, but it allowed is to be with people who knew exactly what we were going through. Just wanted to throw that out there to consider if you ever think it could be helpful. I continue to pray for you and your family. My heart hurts for you so much.
My heart aches for you and your family. I had to the pleasure to meet you and your husbands a few years ago in a coupon class in The Woodlands. Then I had the pleasure to run into your family at a state softball tournament. My daughter (15) is a catcher, although we didn’t play against each other on the tournament I remember seeing your little ones and they looked so familiar, then I saw Paul and immediately I knew it was the “coupon” family. Ever since your appearance in extreme couponing I have been following your webpage and Paul’s too.
I also lost a child back in 2005, my child was a baby. Everything that you are describing brings back so many menories of how I felt when my son died. My days consisted of crying and feeling very sad and empty. From personal experience I can tell you that the pain you are feeling will never go away but with time you will learn how to live with it. You will learn how to smile again and feel happy. It might take you years to feel that way, I know it took me years.
I continue to keep you and your family in my prayers! I pray that you find comfort during this difficult time.
I cry for you. I cry for your husband. I cry for your kids. All of them. My husband cries for you all. We don’t know you. But I sit and cry. I see my 15 year old and she looks like Emma. I see other kids and they look like Emma. I don’t know why. I don’t know any of you. I think about Emma and you a lot. I just don’t knew why. I am sorry. My post isn’t comforting and I am truly sorry for that. I just cry. I feel your pain and the loneliness. I don’t know any of you. But my heart grieves like I do. I’m sorry.
It’s something to see the world around us continue on while we feel like time stands still in our world of grief when we lose someone. Everyone else is able to go on about their lives while we try to figure out how to cope and adjust to a new “normal.” It seems unfair that others are allowed to continue on like nothing’s happened….when all you can do is live in the constant reminder that things will never be the same. Grief can be a lonely place because no one else experiences OUR loss the way we experience our loss.
Thank you for opening your heart to us again. While your posts about Emma aren’t “work,” they touch your readers. As you show us your raw emotion through your writing, you help others who have been through or are going through their own grief. And you honor your own grief and your love for Emma. Maybe that’s part of your message to your readers while you grieve, too.
I cannot even begin to imagine your pain. It must be at least a million times worse than the anguish and sadness that I feel for you and your beautiful family. I wish that I knew you so that I could simply hug you or do whatever it is that you need in each moment. I hope and pray that you can find some healing and comfort in the days ahead.
I have thought of you often . i have wondered how you are doing. I am happy that you are able to do the small things moms must do to keep a family going.
Your stories of your family adventures have brought me back to your blog more than the deals. It has always shone above all that your kids brought you immeasurable joy. I know you will find a groove again, and the guilt will change. You k ow deep down your baby girl wants you to co tinue to create all the fun and memories she enjoyed with you. I am sure you are tired of hearing give it time but it is all we have. In time you will find joy again without guilt.
You are doing great, keeping a routine and taking it slow. If you had a heartache no o e would expect you to bounce right back. And your heart suffered something far worse. Just keep doing what you can do, it is enough for now. Hugs and prayers.
*heart attack. Not heartache. Sorry
I feel your pain. I want to give you a big hug and cry and rage with you…..so for now until the anger and pain and shock…subsides down from “roaring” to only little mew’s(sorry cat lover here) every once in awhile I think you should just post your thoughts…I firmly believe journal-ing IS part of the grieving process. It would also help keep you in the habit of typing out words. So eventually when you get back to a NEW “normal” working you will be OK to do it.
If I may be perfectly honest here…its been 22 years since my sister past away in a car accident and the pain comes and goes still to this day..Most days I can function normally and make sure I go to work and go about my day..be there for my hubby and kids…BUT every once in awhile a comment from someone I know or a question from a stranger about whether I have siblings……it STILL catches me off guard and I have to pause to not burst into tears or blurb something insane. I don’t believe that will ever go away…it becomes a new normal to have that ache there always.
Just dont keep those emotions inside…even if you cannot post about them just the act of continuing to write will help. Please know you and yours are in my prayers.
I cannot begin to express the sadness I have for your family during to the loss of your daughter. As a mother I cannot imagine the grief you are feeling. I nearly lost my youngest daughter when she was two weeks old after she was born prematurely. I stood there watching her as she stopped breathing and was powerless to help her. I can say that I have never loved and hated God more in one day. I could not see how he could let me have this beautiful girl and then just take her from me. That experience changed me in so many ways. Your grief has no time limit. Take the time you need to be you again. Maybe you can honor your daughter by writing a book about grieving instead of just reading them. You are an amazing writer. Please take care. Love and prayers.
There are plenty of grieving people who need to hear from someone like you that it is normal to have the feelings you are sharing. It is normal to grieve all day and feel like you can’t do anything else. Some people don’t have anyone to bounce their feelings off of, and they think they are abnormal and will never feel any differently. If you can, let us ride the roller coaster with you, hold you up when possible, and ride along when we can’t. No one expects you to act jolly and joyous, but you have lots of new readers, including me, who are pulling for you to share and shine again in the future!
I hear the pain in your post as I read your words. I have not lost a child, but I remember when my mother passed away, I went to the store and stared at people wanting to scream at them “how dare you go on with life when my mother is dead”. I hated seeing happy people until I started remembering that I DID have 36 years with her and how many wonderful memories we made together. I felt the guilt that you are experiencing – how can I possibly go back to “normal”, it is not doing my mother justice. but then I thought “would SHE want me to be sad”, “would she want me to go on with life”, “wouldn’t she be happy to see me getting on with life”? Yes, she would. I see the sweet nature that Emma has, just looking in her eyes. She WOULD want you to be happy; to go on with life; to miss her, but NOT be paralyzed with the pain. I know that is hard to swallow, but I feel like it is true. HOLD on to your faith – ask God to take the pain away, even if just a little at a time – so that you don’t feel too guilty. Take one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time. Grief is an ugly experience, but it can be overcome. Please allow people to help you – and don’t be afraid to ASK for help. Lean on friends that will encourage you and pray for you. YOU CAN MAKE IT THROUGH THIS. Much love to you!
I have been following your posts about Emma. My heart breaks for you. I can’t imagine. I’m so sorry for what your family is going through. Your words make me want to live life to the fullest because we do not know what tomorrow brings. Your posts makes me cry but empowers me to do better and do more.
You are in my prayers.
With love,
A fellow mother, from AZ
I too lost a child. My answer to the “How many kids do you have? ” is 3. I have a 19 year old boy, a 15 year old girl and a 23 year old son that is in heaven waiting (or watching over) for me. I answer that way if I feel like I an open to explain. If I don’t feel like explaining, I say I have 3 children, a son 19 and a daughter 15. Never has anyone asked me “What about the 3rd child? “. With time your grief will turn to memories which you want to share.
I feel so bad for u and ur family. I can only imagine the pain . Another fb friend I have is going thru the same thing as she lost her son unexpectedly 2 months ago last night. I wish I had some magical words or could wave a magic wand and bring ur kids back or at least ease ur pain but there isnt any such thing . All I can do is tell u what a wonderful person u r. I may not know u other then from posts and comments but u r . U have helped so many people save money and feed their families that u really have no ideal . U have helped me and I have helped others because of the things ive learned from u . And im sure everyone that u have helped has helped others also so u see u have touched more lives then u could even imagine ! Im sure ur baby girl is so proud of u and im a firm believer that we will see our loved ones again . Stay strong ok u will get back into the swing of things when u r meant to . Just try to keep thinking about all the people u have helped and all the people that still need ur help . Someone’s kids r probably eating tonight because his/her parents can afford food because u showed them how to on a budget. Thank u sooooo much for being who u r and for helping me . Praying for u and ur family
I don’t know you personally but have followed your blog for awhile. I feel that there is no right or wrong way to feel after a dead. Maybe going into the room with the funeral stuff would be a start. Take a hour to write a few thank you notes, cry, pray and write your thoughts down. Go places and talk with people about your beautiful daughter. Don’t hold it in, people understand it is a difficult time for you. Just take it one day at a time. Talk to your kids about their sister and try to live life to its fullest. After my mother passed away, writing the thank you cards was the hardest thing but I think it helped me to get some of my grief out. Prayers and hugs to you.
Each post you write and each one I read my heart aches for you and your family. I can not read one with out crying and wish I could fix it for you . Please know your in my thoughts and prayers everyday. God please comfort you and your family . I am so very sorry this has happen to you and your family. But please know she does know how much you love her and she wants you to keep living and know that the life she had was the best life. I hope i have not said any thing to hurt you more. It s hard to know what to say or not. Please for give me if I have. ((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))
I don’t know you personally but I love you! I think of your family on a daily basis. I’m always wondering how you are doing And how you’re getting by. After reading your Emma blog posts I now know my greatest fear, what you are going through, is absolutely devastating. I do know we serve an awesome God and his reasons for things that happen out of our control are reasons we will never fully grasp a hold of. Stay strong in your faith and keep writing of your baby Emma!!
After reading ALL your open raw posts, you have changed my life. I am going to go tell my teenagers right now how much I love them. I am going to try to show them every minute of every day, just how much I love them. I am not going to sweat the small stuff any longer. I am going to keep coming back for your blogs on Emma. I know that it will get better. You just have to have faith at this point that it will. Prayers for your whole family.
My heart aches for you every time I read one of your posts about your sweet Emma. You have done so much to help everyone else, I think it’s your turn to be on the receiving end. Thank you so much for sharing your innermost feelings with all of us. Know that even during the worse time of your life you are helping someone.
You have seven wonderful gifts from God. That’s what you tell anyone that will listen. Just because God took one home early does not mean you no longer have her. You will always be Emma’s momma! If someone does not understand that then poo on them. We all are praying for you Tiffany. One day at a time, one second, one hour, whatever it takes. We are here waiting for you. I pray that God will pull you up out of your darkness and into his light of love.
Tiffany,
even in your darkest times you touch us with your grace, your wisdom, your honesty and integrity.
We are all here for you and will keep on following your blog.
You are not seeing in right now but your are strong and on the right track and you touch so deeply.
Honey, sending you a big hug through the tears. How we all wish we could take your pain away.
Keep writing Tiffany – continue sharing your thoughts, grief and pain. You are brave and write so beautifully. Undoubtably you are helping others by sharing this story and sharing your pain. It is heartbreaking to read and to imagine what you are feeling and going through – what no mother should ever have to experience. I hold you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
I have lost two children. Grief is work and nothing you say or do is inappropriate. Sending you my love
I have not lost a child, but I know someone who has. A request for a post, when you feel up to it, is to let us know what has helped you the most from other people. I am at a loss, since my friends live far away, on what, if anything, I can do for the family. I am afraid to say anything, for fear of saying the wrong thing. You would do a great service to those of us who would like to help but have no idea what to do!