We visit Emma everyday. Although it is just her body, where she is buried provides a place to really feel like you can talk to her. I will admit I talk to her almost all day long both in what I am thinking and sometimes even out loud if no one is around as to not make myself look crazy. For the first few weeks I didn’t do this because 1. I was in shock. 2. It seemed weird. Now, it really makes a difference in how I feel.
I also think a lot when I am there about our “neighbors” who are buried close by. I read their names each day and wonder who they were and even how they passed. I have Googled a few, reading their obituaries and getting an idea of what they were like. There are a few ladies quite young in their 40’s and early 50’s and even 2 babies. I wonder if they have family who visit and how often. Occasionally I see new flowers and balloons for birthday’s and so I know that other people have come by. Then I wonder if as time goes by we will visit less and less. I try to not think about it, because I suppose maybe we will and it seems terrible to think about, as if we have forgotten or stop taking the time to swing by. Maybe their families have moved away, and they can’t visit as much as they want to. I wish I knew, because I would be happy to bring new flowers if they needed.
Emma has a beautiful monument to the left of where she is buried. It is a gorgeous castle and matching bench. I laughed thinking we have to keep up with the “Jones'” next door and get something just as cool and beautiful for Emma’s. You can’t be “those” neighbors who have the Walmart monument next to the Nordstroms one. 🙂
Some of you might have spots already picked out to be buried at, or maybe you have a family section somewhere. We didn’t and had no idea what to do. We knew we wanted her close to us and so we were stuck in a more expensive cemetery in the city, where we could have saved a lot of money by going farther out more into the country and smaller town. But what do you do? We didn’t know what to do. You want to keep costs in control, but on the other hand you are talking about your daughter. It seems so cruel to have to be deciding where she is buried based on cost. We decided to have her closer to us.
In order to have a “monument” which is really a fancy way to say headstone, you have to purchase 3 plots. They don’t put monuments on single plots. I originally was thinking, 1 plot and 1 headstone and about $10,000. Then you realize that you don’t want your child to be alone and all of a sudden you are making a decision where you and your husband will be buried. We knew then that we needed 3 spots, and because we wanted a monument we had to buy 3 anyway. Since almost everything in this cemetery that was developed was sold out and it was hard to find a spot by some trees with 3 spaces. When we found her spot, and there were 4 spaces, well, it just seemed like the right thing to do was get the 4. Should something ever happen to someone else in our family, because after loosing Emma you realize that this can actually happen, you would want them by you.
Before a person can be buried their spot has to be paid for. Each plot was $8200. We paid for Emma’s and financed the other $24,600 for 2 years. I have since realized that in order to get a monument up you have to have the other spots paid off, and I can’t stand the thought of going out there for years before something is there with her name on it, so I plan on paying that off as quickly as I possibly can. Also, a monument to cover the 3 spaces for Paul, Emma and I starts at about $8,000 for a basic “Walmart” one and goes up to as much as $60,000 like our neighbors, I need to start coming up with the money for that as well. Oh, and the foot marker, that was $3800 but at least it will have her name on it until we get the monument up.
These are things I had never thought about until these past few weeks. You are almost planning 3 funerals and not just 1. You try and decide what is for Emma and what is for you to remember her by. How do you put a price on that? You don’t want to go in debt for something ridiculously fancy but then you think you might not be honoring your child. Quite honestly they could not make a monument beautiful or big enough to honor Emma, so I can be more realistic with what are doing.
Since we have the 4th plot, we can put a bench on it. Yes, you have to buy a plot to place a bench. We often “borrow” our neighbors bench to sit on and talk to each other or the kids, I am not sure how they feel about that so we want to have our own, to be good neighbors I guess. It is an additional cost as well, but something we realized we really wanted.
It isn’t always a sad thing to go see her. It is hard to leave. But it is also wonderful to see things that other people have left and to know people are thinking about her. Softballs with messages on them, toys, a beautiful Mum, candles, flowers, and even some cute gnomes. We know that won’t last forever and so we are so grateful that it happens now. Since we most likely will be here in this area for a long time, we want to show the kids it is ok to just come out here and sit for a while to think, pray or read, anything they want to do and have a quiet spot to just be by themselves. Our oldest who drives, stops by often after school to just sit for a few minutes. We go on Sunday’s as a family after church and just talk to each other.
This little boy. Every time we take him, he just sits. He just sits in the same spot every time. Quietly. Sometimes he cries and sometimes he doesn’t. He just sits quietly. They had a very special bond. Emma made no bones about the fact he was her favorite. She took him everywhere. They ride bikes to the mall, to the store, to their aunts, to the candy store, almost everyday. They were best friends. Rush came into my room yesterday starting to cry and told me how sad he was he only got to know Emma for 7 years. He is a wise 7 year old. We miss her terribly. I ache for this little boy.
Part comedian, part Dad, part athlete. He will boss around your children while they play ball.
Just as angelic as she looks, this girl could easily raise a Village by herself, and all the children would grow up to be President.
Self proclaimed, she would be a webkinz dog. Because, "they're cute, and puppies are too. And they're sweet and they always get along with other puppies."
This mini-Martha Stewart can handle ANY craft you send her way. She isn't all bows and rainbows, she's got karate kid moves!
Not "Pick-Me-Up" like caffeine, she wants you to pick her up! AND NOW!
Anything that can be destroyed WILL be destroyed!
Practically Perfect in Every Way for now! Nicknamed "The Panda" she is rolly polly and lives by the motto, "the little one, is KING!"
The resident Labradoodle, Miller got his name because Mom won and got to name the baby! Need something chewed up? He'll take care of it. Especially if it's expensive..
Tiffany, I cannot imagine your pain and suffering. Y’all are honoring your daughter and her life each and every day. Thank you for sharing your journey. Prayers.
I pray for God to comfort you and your family every day.
My heart aches for you, because I have been in your shoes. Everything you write resonates so strongly with me. When our daughter first passed 9 years ago, I went to the cemetery daily. I couldn’t stay away. As time has gone by, I go less often. It is especially hard to leave when it’s cold or raining. I’ve been blessed to have a couple of very sacred experiences while visiting her resting place. My prayers continue to be with you and your family.
I understand the financial pressure of burying a loved one. When my sister was dying of cancer, my parents & brother-in-law were so grief stricken that the planning fell on me. I get the guilt of having to think about money at a time when your entire world is being ripped apart. You just do the best you can. Remember that, in the end, it is about honoring your loved one and having a way to help you and your family find their peace in God’s all knowing plan for our lives. Nothing you do, or don’t do, will ever diminish the live you carry with you always. May God’s peace always surround you and your precious family.
I’ve been following you for a long time. My heart breaks for your family. Thank you for sharing your most intimate family moments. I love hearing all the wonderful stories of Emma & your tight family bond. May Emma rest in peace. And may you guys continue to be strong
God bless you and your family!
Graves are for the living not the dead so don’t pay attention to the neighbors (some of who probably spent a fortune but never visit and never did before they passed). I have some beautiful flat markers that are just as special and no cost is a factor in life and death that is why I choose creamation so it won’t break my family. Create something special to you and your family and poo on the neighbors.
I love what you said ! I would make a special area in my yard and sit and talk with her she knows you are ways with her and she probably spends all
Her time at your home watching over all
Of you?
It’s crazy how much funeral costs rack up and how each tiny thing costs extra. We fell into the same “planning” issue when my mom died. We went as a family (mom included as she was terminally ill) to pick a plot. We ended up with four purchased because her sister realized she wanted to buried with her. So plots for my parents and my aunt and uncle were purchased at once. Continued prayers for your whole family. I enjoy reading the stories you share about Emma and your grief.
Tiffany – This is the first time I’ve commented about Emma. It was hard for me to cope with this. I have a son who has had cancer twice and the thought of him dying haunted me daily because I knew. I used to think it would be better if he died in an accident because I would not know when and it would not be something I had to watch slowly over time. He has survived his second relapse but the thought of it coming back haunts me daily. I started couponing about 5 years ago and immediately followed you, you don’t know how much everyone in the community admires you as a woman. I hope other readers would join me in saying that I am sure we could do a fundraiser to help pay off the graves and get the monument you want for your Emma. As much money as you have saved the community, it’s the they could do back. If anyone is interested in helping Paul, Tiffany and family I will be willing donate my time and efforts to help them achieve this goal.
I think of you daily, I weep for you.
Natalie
Oh thank you so very much. I am so sorry that your son has been sick, I really can’t imagine going through that. We actually had to start a GoFundMe ( there is more to this story I will write it up sometime soon) for a few reasons and we are so blessed it rained a lot of money. Emma was killed in California and the cost to release her to us and get her home was crazy. We used that money to pay for that, the casket and her funeral.
Thank you so much for even thinking of doing anything to help us. I wish there was some way we could help you. Please let us know how your son is doing, we will keep you in our thoughts and prayers as well.
Would you please post your GoFundMe info as I would like to help out.
Thank you for asking. This is the link http://www.gofundme.com/k8wmwj5f
I too, haven’t said anything for a close reason Natalie hadn’t. I have watched my son have one medical issue after another since the end of June. He has CP and I had been told when he was an infant that it would be an upper respiratory infection that would end his life. He’s now 31. I hadn’t thought anything about him passing before me, not until this summer. Now it’s become such a reality that it hurts so much inside. He’s been on life support twice since July. Hospitalized 5 times. This last time I had to make the choice of intubating him or letting him pass…I just couldn’t do the latter. He still needs gallbladder surgery and I don’t know as if he’ll make it through it. He’s a warrior, I can’t deny him that – he’s been moved out of ICU as of 2 days ago. This time, he’ll come home on oxygen and maybe a feeding tube. My heart hurts not knowing what will happen come the gallbladder surgery. My heart hurts knowing he’s living with a lot of pain right now.
So as I’ve watched this all unfold with Ryan, I’ve watched your family go through heartache that is just beyond belief…that I know I will be experiencing sooner than later. Crap – every day gets harder and harder because I just don’t know if he’ll make it through the next issue. My heartaches for your kids as it does for my daughter. My daughter (17yo), has a bond like no other with Ryan. I had to tell her that Ryan’s life will end sooner than later…it was so hard for her to hear, so hard for me to say. What you share makes me think of what I should be doing, should be preparing for. This just seems so wrong for everyone.
Ryan’s such a special individual, where if you were having a bad day, seeing him would turn your day around. I am choosing to believe that he will meet up with Emma one day, and the two of them will shine down on all of us. Why Emma? Because I truly believe that your sweet Emma has qualities that would take someone like Ryan under her wings and show him the best there can be. There are no disabilities in Heaven – maybe she’d play ball with him – something he loves, but could never do.
So now that I spilled my guts out and bawled throughout this writing – please know I think of all of you every day. I pray for all of you. I wish the heartache could just go away for all of us. And I wish that I could hug you from one mother to another.
I am so sorry. I can’t imagine having to watch that. I would though give anything to have a chance to say goodbye. To hold her and tell her how much she has meant to me. This is terrible that as Mothers we have to go through this. It is just unfair.
Tiffany – I just saw your reply as it does not notify me. I would be happy to help in any way I can to help you guys get some of the cost of Emma’s burial and your plots off. I had a fundraiser for my son Jack and raised over $20K and that was about using social media as at the time I did not have FB. I had Chick Fil a tea and lemonade, clowns, face painters, slides, silent auction items and Texas Roadhouse donates food for plates to sell. We used my church as we could probably use one close to you. It’s more about getting the community rallied and getting people to donate stuff we can auction etc. There is so many ways we could raise the money you need to help in some way……I just read your 6 week update and I know what you mean. I have an 18 yr old daughter at SAM and she is just like what you describe. I can count on her, for anything – she is my best friend. I cry every Sunday night as she drives back to school and mainly because you are never ready to let go……never.
Still thinking of you guys every day….
Natalie
Fundraisers would be a great idea. I remember a post saying Inside Out was the last movie Tiffany saw with her. Inside Out is still at the AMC Spring theatre. They did renovations this year to the theatre that looked like it was going into non-existence. Anyways, I thought that would be an idea.
Thank you for sharing this … it helps us know how to pray for you! God bless you and yours!
I am so sorry that you had to go thru it. No one ever talks about the ride around the cemetery looking for the ideal place to bury your child or loved one or picking out a casket. It was a very difficult thing to do. We opted for a bench, because he was 17 and our oldest. We wanted the kids to have something to sit on when they go visit. We, too, bought extra plots. You are in my prayers.
I am so sorry. I hate that you even know what we are going through.
hi Tiff I cant say I understand the grief you’re feeling but please know you have a society of people praying for your family for strength. Be blessed
I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine losing one of my children. My husband and I have 9 children altogether 4 from his 1st wife and 2 from my 1st husband then three together. I hope the pain of losing Emma get a little better on down the road. And nothing will replace the love you all have for her. But I’m pretty sure she doesn’t want you to suffer over her loss. I cry everytime I read your post about her. Even though my heart aches for you and your family I really don’t know the pain you are having over the loss of a child. I hope to never find out because I wouldn’t know what to do. Will be praying for you and your family. Once again sorry for your loss.
I am so sorry and have kept you and your family in my prayers. I wanted to take a minute to give you a different perspective on all of this. I don’t visit the cemeteries where my loved ones are very often. I know that they are not there and I just can’t bring myself to talk to a headstone. I do, however, share pictures, stories and precious memories every chance I get. To me this keeps them alive in a way that a slab of granite never will. Please feel free to share your stories with us, we would love to listen. Blessings for you and your wonderful family.
Parents aren’t supposed to bury their children, it should be the other way around. So sorry for your loss and I can’t even imagine the pain you are going through. We have never thought about where we will be buried. She was a beautiful girl and you will meet again someday.
I do feel your pain of loosing a child. My son has been gone for 13 years now. We were so blessed for my father paid for all the funeral cost for his grandson. I truly believe visiting helps you heal. When we lived in California we were there every week and sometimes several times a week. I sent flowers every year for the logest time and we still celebrate his birthday every year. When I talk about my kids I will always say I have 5 kids when everyone only sees 4 kids. The three kids that came after him does know about him and how he has passed. My youngest son is 7 now and has his bother’s name as his middle name (Joshua). I miss him everyday he’s been gone but I know we’ll see each other again and he’s around me always. We still talk about him and have pictures up of him it does help. I will hold your family in our prayers and God Blessed your family in the way you are honoring your daughter.
I am so sorry for your loss. I think it really does comfort you, even though you know she isn’t really there. It is the closest that you have. Thank you so much
Tiffany,
I still think of you and your family in my prayers and think of what you’re going through every time I’m on your site. Like Natalie said, you have saved all of us SO much money that it’s only right for us to give back to YOU! Please let us know if you start another GoFundMe (or continue the one you have) and give us the link. The death of a child is absolutely overwhelming – no one should simultaneously have to be overwhelmed by a monetary issue. The irony is not lost on me when thinking about the woman who has saved me so much money is now worried about something to do with money. Your coupon family would love to help you!
Yes there is great irony in the fact that I am always so cheap and frugal. When it comes to your child in this situation it is a hard thing. You want to do everything you can, yet you have that frugal DNA and you always think of what else you could do for even your other children with that money. So it is a very conflicting place emotionally to be in. The GoFundMe is still open. My sister manages it. This is the link http://www.gofundme.com/k8wmwj5f
I am just so sorry for you and your family. I will be praying for you often. I can’t begin to imagine the sadness of your loss. Thank you for sharing this with your readers. Even though we have never met, we feel as though we truly know you and care about you.
Tiffany, I love what you write. You are true to your emotive and I know there are others out there that know your pain and will get healing from what you share. Though I have never lost a child and I can’t fathom what youare feeling, but you help me to know how to pray for you and your family. I am not very good at expressing how I feel and I just want you to know you are all constantly in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you so much for sharing! !!!
Btw. I showed my son (he and Emma were friends from choir) the wrestling video and it made him smile. He needed that smile and happy thought!
It really is a beautiful spot. I think you chose very well.
In the meantime, could you get a landscape stone etched and have it there? I know there is a couple in The Woodlands that have a business doing this. They can out anything on a rock. It would be pretty and once you have your monument, you could put it in your yard at home.
That is a good idea. We will have the flat marker there, so there will be something. Its not like it will be unmarked. I will also make sure there are flowers and her picture! Send me a link if they have a website though, if you can.
Praying for you and your husband and family.
My Husband and I did the same as y’all and purchased 3 plots when our Braden died 13 years ago. We also could not think about him being there alone. My mother and father also purchased their plots there and my dad is now buried next to Braden. I know just where Emma is as when I was there on Friday, to visit with my Dad and Braden, I saw the spot with the mum, and remembered the beautiful castle monument that your neighbor has. I think and pray for you daily, and the next time I go to see my Braden, I plan to stop and see Emma too!
I am so sorry for your loss. I will look for Braden. I have started getting to know my “neighbors” over there and think about them often. I also like to walk through and just have time to think and read other monuments, and wonder about them. Thank you for commenting, and again I am so sorry.
Tiffany, I am so sorry and May God grant your family peace. Your family will remain in our prayers.
I remember making final arrangements for my mom. She had a small ins policy which just paid her cremation costs. Years before, I had purchased a niche at my church for her. When the funeral director came back and said that the $3,000 would cover her final expenses, I almost fainted with relief. I simply had no money/or credit to give. I know it isn’t the same as a child, but I was so stressed about my mom. Peace be with you friend.
Dearest Mom,
Today, 9/15/2015 is the 9th anniversary of my son’s death. Your link was in my newsfeed by “chance.” I haven’t followed any of your blogs, so I don’t know your story, but I know your heart – well, all but the piece that died that day. You’ll think of her forever, maybe not the same intensity, but you’ll have your days. As we cling to the day we’ll see them again…
Oh I am so sorry. A piece did die that day, I know that you know. I am so sorry for your loss.
When we discovered that my brother had died we realized that we had very little resources for a funeral and burial. We opted for cremation and a grave side service. We found a small country cemetery and bought a plot for $100. We dug the hole ourselves and had a minister bless the gravesite. A flat marker was $400 or so and just has the basic info on it. It was very intimate.
My heart bleeds for you…I have a 15 year old daughter who is my best friend. I cant imagine the pain you and your family are going thru. I have lost both parents with my daughter by my side but to lose her I can’t wrap my head around what you must be going thru.
I’m so very sorry for your lose!!!
I will keep you and your family in my prayers
Tiffany, I am praying for you right now. I can not imagine the huge hole in your heart with her passing. It was almost a year before I could fully function after the death of my parents three months apart. I knew your sweet Emma can hear every word you speak to her. Non of these earthly things mean anything to her except her precious family. Take solace in knowing God is holding her hand and yours during this time.
We to lost a daughter 23 years ago, I feel spain, I feel your heart ache and I feel you need to be near her. We also wanted to be buried near our daughter, the cemetery made a simple mistake, there was only one plot available next to her. So we made the decision for my husband and I to be buried one on top of the other. Or other seven children will have their own families to be with. Understand that with time and I know everyone tells you with time but believe me you will always think of your daughter everyday, but they need to go to the cemetery everyday will change maybe not next week maybe not next month. But it will change, as for your other children they will find their own way, ours have, and each one is as an individual as they are. I hope you can fit feel the hugs I am sending you. God bless you
I’m so sorry, in this auto correct is definitely not my friend. I just hope you can understand and feel what I was trying to say.
I am so sorry for your loss. Your family is is my prayers. Please email me, I recently sorted all the cement cementary stuff out for my dad who is buried in one of my 2 spaces. The cementary store is great with markers
And monuments. Email me or call me and I will be more than glad to help.
i am so sorry for your loss. it is a beautiful remembrance. i remember going thru this when i was taking care of my mother. it is unreal the cost, the choices you have to make.
I’m so sorry for all you’re going through. The feelings you have are all “normal.” I continue to pray for you and your family. God will get you through.
As I read your thoughts the tears are running down my face. I remember. We had to make these difficult decisions 4 years ago. Kalei was 5. We also bought 4. We chose the country. Her marker is small because in my mind, she was small. Each decision is made for the best of the person/family making it. I’ll never judge someone else in their grief. Grief is a strange bed-fellow. My wound has mostly healed; there are days that the scab is painfully ripped off; and there are days that it aches like a scar. I’m ever so thankful that I will see her again. “I’ve just got to believe this story is so far from over” (SCC) Sincere prayers for you and yours. Because I remember……
I can clearly now see those who have felt this, even in your words. I am so sorry for your loss. I am so sorry you know what this feels like. Thank you
Hi, I don’t know you, I’ve been following your blogs for a while. I would like to send some cards to your family, and I was wondering if the kids had any kind of favorite colors or characters or anything, so I could maybe find cards or stickers with that on it for them?
The Ivanovskys
PO Box 132741
Spring, TX
77393
They all like blue. Thank you!
I get the ‘am I crazy for burying my child here’ thought. My daughter was stillborn last September. We live in Texas but decided to bury her in a small town in southern Utah because I wanted her to be close to family. He is buried at my grandpas feet which is the first in a plot that can fit 6 (it’s where my mom and dad plan on being buried too). It didn’t make much sense for us to drive her all the way to Utah but I couldn’t stand the thought of her being ‘alone’ in a cemetery especially if we might not stay in Texas forever. We planned a big trip to go back and visit her and place her headstone for her ‘birthday’ this year and it was nice to be able to go do something for her. Anyways, I guess I just wanted to let you know that ‘I get it’, you’re not crazy, death of a child makes you think of things you never even imagined.
I am so sorry. Thank you for sharing your story for us.
Tiffany, I haven’t seen you in years and I am on a blogging break but I’ve been heartsick all afternoon thinking about your family tragedy. My family has had to agonize over the plot choices, etc with the loss of my nephew, then my sister (his mother) then my other sister. It is heatwrenching and life changing. I’m so, so sorry. I hope you can lean on your faith in this horrible time. I have a friend who has a son with stage four cancer and he’s probably not going to make it.. and she often says “Whether or not he survives, Sid wins. He gets to stay here, or go be with God. There’s no bad outcome.” I admire her for her strength but I know what it’s like to lose loved ones well before their time and it’s just hard, period. Prayers for you and your family.
Tiffany, words can not express how sorry I am at the loss of your child. Please know that you’re in my prayers. Thank you for all that you do!
I lost my only daughter on 8-4-15 and unfortunately this was the very day she was born. She was completely perfect in every single way. I only got to be with my Anniston for a few hours but I can relate to the pain that you feel. I struggle every day just to make it through the day. I am so sorry for your loss!
Oh no, I am so very sorry. What a beautiful name.
I’m so sorry for you and your family’s loss. I am currently crying my eyes out cause I can’t even begin to think about losing one of my children. It seems like your family has a strong bond and a great support system and I pray that you all find some comfort in each other. I don’t know your pain directly, but I know the feeling of losing someone close to you and it hurts like no other, to say the least. I’m sorry, that I’m babbling and I know that you don’t know me, but I just really hope you all get through this.
Our prayers are with you and your family. I can’t even imagine losing a child. I have 3, and reading your stories, I just cried. For your loss and for thinking it could happen to us. I pray you and yours find comfort in God’s love. I just lost my brother, 9-27-15, however, losing a child is no comparison. My God Bless you all and keep His hands upon you.