10 Ways to Help Before and After a Funeral

We have had such extraordinary things done for us in the past 2 months that I would have never thought of asking for or never known to offer to other people. I have got a few messages from people asking how they can help a friend who has just lost a loved one, so I thought I would offer 10 ways to help before and after a funeral. Because we have learned so much, I want to share with you what was so helpful for and such a blessing for us.

**A quick note to say… ANYTHING is appreciated. Don’t worry about not doing the right thing, just jump in and ask. 

Meals/Food – In the past when a family had a loss and the dinner sign up sheet went around at church I always signed up to bring food. I love to do that for people and it is really easy for me to contribute that way. Plus it is safe because I felt like I helped in some way and because death can be uncomfortable ( I never knew what to say) I could drop this off and not have to talk to many people. Sadly, yes I have actually thought that.

Food is such a blessing. You don’t have to run to the store and worry about what to make, you dont even want to leave the house, and there are so many extra people in and out you have something to offer them. During the first week Emma passed we had lunch and dinner brought in. I would have never thought of lunch but I can’t tell you how much it was needed.

What kind of food? Always ask if there are any allergies, of course. Thankfully we dont have any and no one is really picky, so it didn’t matter to us at all. If I had a picky child, or a meal that they turned their nose up at, that would have been too bad, I could always just make them a sandwich if I had to, or they could make it themself.

Emma’s baptism dress and picture my sister drew for her when she was 8. 

We had someone bring us a tray of meat and cheese, with a few different types of bread, condiments, and a fruit salad. This was awesome! We were able to set this out for a few days and feed a lot of people, plus they could make what they want. We had a lot of casseroles, my kids love casseroles, so they were thrilled. Paul and I needed a break from all carbs after a little while and so we would make a chicken breast to go with the dinner just so we got some protein. A few people brought us over paper plates, napkins, utensils and even garbage bags. This was super thoughtful and so extremely helpful. I would have never thought to do this, but I will from now on. The last thing I wanted to do was the dishes.

Viewing and Funeral Display – As soon as my friend Monica who we have known for years, found out about Emma she jumped into action. Our daughters have played softball together for years and our sons have played baseball together as well. She showed up at my house and asked if she could put together a display of Emma’s things at the viewing and funeral. This is something that I would have wanted to do but not had the time or even emotional state to put together. Monica explained to me that this is something she felt like a teenager should have to show people who she was a child for those who only knew her as a teen and those who might have known her as a child can see that stage as well. I absolutely agreed.

Monica showed up two days later and helped my sister and I pull all Emma’s things from her room. We took her books, music, baby blanket, uniforms, shoes, and so much more. Every time I thought we were done Monica asked for more. We pulled all our family photos off the wall, and all Emma’s softball gear from the garage. It was very hard for me to do. But, I was so glad we did. Monica placed everything in tubs and promised she would make sure it all got back.

Monica enlisted help from a few friends and she took everything up to the funeral home. They took all the funeral home pictures off the wall and replaced them with our family photos. They framed snapshots they pulled off my Instagram account and photos Emma’s friends had of her. It was truly beautiful. I could not believe the work that she did, it was such a labor of love and I will be eternally grateful for this act of service for our family. Once the viewing was done, Monica and friends packed it all up and set it up again at the church where the funeral was. Then a few days later she brought it all back over and helped me put it all back right where everything was. * You can always take photos before moving or touching loved ones items if you are worried about them getting back exactly to the place where they were.

I just cant tell you how much this meant to me. I would have never thought to do this for someone, but I will ask from now on.

Gathering Photos and Memorabilia. – My friend Donna immediately contacted Emma’s school and started asking for for team photos and any organizational items or photos from her high school and junior high. Again, I would have never thought of this or done this for someone else. It meant so much to us to have these items to scan into a video that was done for Emma. Many times the schools keep the kids jerseys and uniforms when they play. Donna was able to get the school to give us Emma’s basketball and softball uniforms for us to keep. What a treasure these are to us. She also had video of Emma in choir as far back as 5th grade that she had personally and combed through all the footage to find clips for us. AMAZING. Donna was the contact for Choir, Basketball, and Softball parents, she set up dinners for us from them and arranged a luncheon before the funeral for family.

Organize a meal calendar – If you are a close friend or someone who can help arrange and keep track of a meal calendar it was a blessing for us. We didn’t have to answer phone calls and wonder if we should make dinner or not. Good friends sprang into action and set this up for us. They were the contact people and sent out emails to church friends, family and school friends letting them know who to contact etc. about bringing food.

Make a video – I love making videos and am pretty decent at it. But when your daughter passes away, the last thing I was going to be able to do was comb through video and family photos for pictures of her and put together a video to show at the viewing ( and funeral if allowed). I could not even bring myself to look at a picture of her before the funeral it hurt too bad. My sister and brother plus some other family and friends worked on a video for Emma for a few days. You can watch her memorial video HERE (or click the video above) My sister had a 3 week old baby and didn’t sleep the night before the funeral making the video perfect. What a labor of love. My sister in law and daughter poured over hours of home video to find clips of Emma to use. While doing this they uncovered a precious treasure we had never seen. Emma had filmed a video for Paul and I when she was 10 as a gift for us for Christmas. If you want to know what kind of girl Emma was, that little video says it all. We put it at the end of her memorial video. If you have any skill at all, making videos is so easy now days and this is something that you can offer to do for the family.

Clean up and arrange flowers – A day or so after the funeral, someone came over and helped consolidate all the flowers into vases, change the water and throw away dead flowers. I say “someone” because I actually have no idea who it was. I sat in the room with them and I know we had a conversation, but I was so out of it that I don’t even remember who it was. They must have noticed that the water was starting to smell and that flowers were dying, I missed that in my total state of denial and I am sure it was looking like a mess. I would have never thought to do this simple act of service for someone, but it made a huge difference. This is something I will think to ask if I can help with or maybe even show up and see if it needs to be done. * Make sure to ask if they want to keep the flowers or if there is anything special they are doing with them, like drying or pressing them.

Help with children – Thankfully I have sisters and sister in laws. One sister went out and bought some clothing for my children and just showed up with it asking if I wanted to look at it and see if anything was what I had in mind for them to wear to the funeral. My kids probably had something they could have worn, but it was sure nice to have the option of some new clothing and shoes to wear. My sister in law came over and helped get my kids ready for the funeral. Curling hair, finding shoes, finding bows, etc. This was such a huge help even though my kids were all old enough to get themselves dressed they just needed a little extra help and support that day. Plus, having your hair done and curled made them feel really special. This is something easy to offer if the family has little kids.

Running Errands – My childhood best friend flew out from another state when she heard the news. She got a rental car and hotel. She just showed up each day and asked what errands I needed done. My husbands college best friend and wife also came drove in, along with his high school best friend who flew in and just showed up. Asking what they could do to help, jumping in and just seeing what needed to be done. Picking up people from the airport, washing dishes, and playing with the kids. Most of all they were there to just talk to us. There is something about your lifelong friends, who are not family, who you can jump back in with after not seeing them for years where you left off as if you never were apart. They were a tremendous help even if they had done nothing, just to be there to talk to you and offer support.

Thank you cards – People have been telling me not to give them a thank you card. I want to give them a thank you card. I want to tell them how much they mean to us and how much we appreciate them. Helping gather all the addresses though is a huge help that my sister has been doing. This is a huge blessing to have someone take charge and help with. Just a thought of something else you could do to help a friend or loved one.

We can’t ever tell our friends and loved ones how grateful we are for all their help, both big and small. Everything was appreciated, and we can never thank you enough. Please don’t be afraid to jump in and help, just being there and offering a hug is fantastic support.

Emma holding Andie in their matching shoes

You can read more about Emma by clicking the links below. 

3 Things to Avoid Saying to a Grieving Parent

Only Six Weeks Ago

Emma’s Playlist 

One Month Away From Emma

Visiting Emma

Emma Evelyn Ivanovsky