Today is Monday. I hate Monday’s. Only six weeks ago at this very moment my daughter was still alive. I could have called her and heard her voice, my husband was still in California, he could have driven over to see her and held her. Only six weeks ago.
If only we had some tiny prompting that something was not going to be ok. He could have grabbed her and taken her with him. I could have called and told her, even begged her to STAY OFF that tractor no matter what anyone else said. I would have stayed on the phone with her until one of us physically reached her and I knew she was safe. But if I want to go that far, I would have never let her go in the first place and she would have stayed here with us.
I didn’t talk to her on the phone that Monday. We texted through out the day like we do. I remember everything we had talked about but I still can’t bring myself to go back on my phone and actually look at what we were saying to each other. It is entirely to painful to even think about. I do know one of the last things she messaged me was asking “how are the littles doing?” because she always checked on them, and loved them so much.
Paige, Tucker, Emma first day of school
The days are a blur of numbness. It is very difficult to feel anything but sorrow. Yes we smile, and laugh with our other children, but is feels very manufactured and brief. It is terrible sadness. Then there is the fog. It is a thick fog that hangs over you, making it hard to hear and see other people. Yes, I am sure it seems like I am listening, and I really am trying, but people are hard to understand in this thick fog. Or maybe it is just a fog in my brain, because I know you told me something or asked me a question. I can’t remember what I told you or what information you gave me after you walk away.
Then there is still the physical pain. Every joint in my body still hurts. It feels like the morning after a really good workout, except you didn’t work out. Your chest hurts like someone is sitting on it. All day long. An exam would not show a HUGE hole in your heart and what is left of it shattered into a million pieces. But I promise you, that is exactly what it looks like, and hurts like.
I believe we are in a way blessed with shock and denial. I didn’t actually think I was in shock, but I look back and know with absolute certainty that I was. Shock and denial allowed me to travel back home to my children, to clean my house and have people come over. It helped us to plan a funeral, to find somewhere for us to bury Emma, to find people to speak and sing and play the piano. It helped Paul and I go to the mall a few times to try and find something, anything that was right for her to wear. It helped us through people invading our home, to clean up after them and to make them food without coming unglued. Our body has a way of protecting us, and I believe that is exactly what it did.
But when the shock and denial wear off, it is really even more terrible then you can imagine. Because the reality starts to become clear and it is inconceivable. There is no scenario that Emma is not with us. There is nothing in the plan that she will not be here to see us when we are old. It is not possible that I will not see her graduate, get married, have children, and grow old. I refuse to accept that I will have no more pictures of her. That the other kids school pictures hanging in the house will all be changed out over the years and hers will remain the same. I need someone to fix this NOW. Then you realize that no one can.
Emma softball
The hole in our home is enormous. Emma is one of our more quiet children, and you would think it would be easy to imagine that she is at school or practice, but you can only tell yourself that or imagine that for so long. Over the past six weeks what my husband and I realized is that each of our children have a very integral role in the dynamics of our family. Our oldest and #3 are very loud and have a wicked sense of humor. They joke, make fun, and are loud most of the time. Emma, always loved to joke and even made all kinds of animal sounds in part annoy her Dad and I, but also to entertain the little kids, but she wasn’t necessarily loud in comparison. Although her friends might disagree, she wasn’t compared to her siblings! What her role was, much like mine, was to laugh at their jokes, and bring some balance.
Emma was the the ring leader. You don’t have to be the loudest to have this calling, but that is exactly what she was. She had the ability to bring everyone together. We have literally hundreds of hours of video that the kids make on my big iMac in the office. They would sit for hours and talk to each other and tell stores all on camera. Emma was the one who bought them together to do this. She got them together every day to play cards for hours at the kitchen table. She rounded up the cousins when they were here to play games, she organized teams of kids to play nerf wars, she took groups of kids on bike rides to the store to make pancakes on Saturday mornings.
If you can imagine a teenage girl with a line of children following her everywhere, doing everything she asked because they loved her and hung on every word she said, that was Emma. She loved them and they knew she loved them. She was fun. She “got” little kids, how to get them to play together and have fun. You didn’t have to tell her, or show her what to do, she just knew. Emma did this same thing with her siblings. She entertained them, and helped them play together. If you have a lot of kids you know how valuable this is to a parent. How valuable to your kids to learn to play with each other and love one another.
I could count on her. She was not flaky. She knew what needed to be done and did it. She had the thought to also look ahead and see what would need to be done in the future. She didn’t always wait to be told. I called her my human calendar for a while. I noticed she was reminding me of a lot of things that she had just overheard and filed away in her brain somewhere but was recalling to help me make sure that they got done. Most importantly, I knew that my little children were safe with her. I could count on her to watch them and not get distracted. They were safe with her. There is nothing more a Mother could want then to know that your child is safe with the person who they are with.
Emma, Garner State Park
Emma LOVED the outdoors. She loved to camp and swim the river. She was fearless. She climbed the highest rope swings and the tallest trees to jump out of. Emma was my right hand. She helped me pack, organize the camping gear, find the camping gear, pack the little kids stuff, make the meals ahead of time, and get everyone out the door. Then she entertained them in the car while we drove.
After a long day on the river while I would make dinner, she would run the littles up to the shower to wash off all the sand and river water, wash their hair and get them in clean clothes. She could rotate kids through a shower like a drill sergeant. But always careful not to get shampoo in their eyes when she rinsed their hair. My little kids adored her. I adored her. Her Dad adored her. She was fun. Emma balanced our family perfectly and brought us together, without even knowing she was doing it. She just cared and was kind.
We have noticed that is what it takes to bring people together. You need to care and be kind. You don’t have to be loud or the most popular to be the glue. You need to show people you love them not just tell them. Emma mastered this at only 15.
You can read more about Emma by clicking the links below.
Part comedian, part Dad, part athlete. He will boss around your children while they play ball.
Just as angelic as she looks, this girl could easily raise a Village by herself, and all the children would grow up to be President.
Self proclaimed, she would be a webkinz dog. Because, "they're cute, and puppies are too. And they're sweet and they always get along with other puppies."
This mini-Martha Stewart can handle ANY craft you send her way. She isn't all bows and rainbows, she's got karate kid moves!
Not "Pick-Me-Up" like caffeine, she wants you to pick her up! AND NOW!
Anything that can be destroyed WILL be destroyed!
Practically Perfect in Every Way for now! Nicknamed "The Panda" she is rolly polly and lives by the motto, "the little one, is KING!"
The resident Labradoodle, Miller got his name because Mom won and got to name the baby! Need something chewed up? He'll take care of it. Especially if it's expensive..
Thank you so much for sharing you heart, your pain, and your precious memories of Emma with us.
Continued love and light to you, Paul and the kids….always!
Oh Tiffany…. I wish I knew what to do to erase the pain…
Is there a grief counseling group in your area? Maybe a Pastor or a trusted doctor? I ready how you are pouring your heart out and trying to find your way through this fog and…well I just don’t know how to help and I am so very afraid someone is going to say the wrong thing to you. Even people with the greatest intentions can miss speak. Know that this suggestion was made only with concern for you and your family. Your well being is the most important thing right now. Praying for you. Hugs
Keep writing Tiffany, keep sharing these stories of Emma. I love meeting her and knowing her through your words. Writing will help you to grieve and to remember. You raised an exceptional daughter, there is no doubt about that. Sending love and light to you and Paul.
Tiffany, please, please keep writing about your family’s journey. You are helping Emma to inspire all. Keep a personal journal as well. Down the line a book will help a multitude of families navigate through the fog. Keep especially close to Paul. Grief can be an enemy in marriage.
My heart hurts for you…I too wish I could take this pain away from you and your family.
There is no erasing the pain. It just becomes a little easier to deal with over time. There’s no explanations, no excuses, no anything to make it all seem palatable. It just is. Emma must have been a wonderful young lady and her memories will live with you and your family forever. Keep sharing your thoughts. I always wrote in a journal. Somehow I received comfort from that. Keep sharing. I pray that God helps you all find peace again in what is left of your hearts. Bless you ❤️
Emma was a true angel on earth just as she is in heaven. I can see her sitting around up there and playing cards or reading to the “littles” there.
We never knows why God decides to take us home but we were here for a reason and he needed us back.
tgis is beautiful. My oldest and only daughter is an Emma, and although I am always so thankful for her, this made me recognize just how much she does for me as a mother – heck. As a human being! I lost my mom a little more than a year ago, and the physical pain you describe is exact. To this day I still open a cabinet at home and think “why the world did I put soap in here?” Or I’ll ask about someone and my husband will remind me they have passed or gotten married or had a baby rtc and I have zero recollection: because all of these things happened during the thickest days of my fog. I would walk past a picture of my mom and I and just sob until I was nearly sick. And yet somehow, I’ve come to that place that sorrow gives back as its apology. The fog has lifted and my dark days are farther and farther apart. I believe that time will come for you, but until then please keep writing and sharing. You are amazing and strong. May God Bless and Keep You
i am so very sorry. I too, know the fog and the pain and it seems endless. Keep doing the best you can. Be kind to yourself and Paul. It took me about six months of extreme suffering before and friend who I can never thank enough forced me into grief counseling. It took another six months to start to work for me, but it was lifesaving. Everyone is different Tiffany, but grief counseling and support groups will make it bearable when you are ready. I promise you will never forget anything about her like you are afraid you will, and someday you will glue your pieces back together again. It won’t be the same, but it will be ok and Emma will always be part of your life and your family.
My heart forever aches for you and your family. I read every post you share and I cry each time. I appreciate you allowing all of us on your journey. Still praying and thinking of yall.
It’s hard for me to read your posts, for the fact that they are straight from your heart and they make me cry for you and your family. I can’t imagine the heart ache and all the other pain you all are going through since I haven’t had this particular cross to bear. I could tell you all the words tgat are said in these circumstances, but they would and are meaningless. As you have said, there is a fog, nothing can penetrate it, not until your mind is ready to take it all in. Keep healing the best way you can. God bless you all. Thank you for sharing your stories and pictures.
Oh how I wish I could just bring her back for you guys..I’m so sorry for all y’all are going through but… Know so many are praying and sending so much love..?
Always remember it was not your fault you nor Paul had control of this situation your belief in god will somehow get you through this. My heart is heavy for you and your family just know you are in my prayers .
I never had the pleasure of meeting Emma. We are too far away: space and time. We do not know each other. I went to a coupon workshop of yours in Fairfield, OH last Spring.
Through your sharing, I feel like I know her…and I love Emma!!! I love all she is and how much you love her. You keep her alive when you talk about her. Your stories provide a heartbeat that is vibrant and strong! You have many “littles” that will contribute to this pulse. Everyone should be so lucky to be loved and kept alive after they pass. Your family knows how to honor, love, and cherish a person. Anyone in the family could pass and know that their memory will remain FOREVER in the light and love of the world by their family’s dedicated love. Many people can not say this, but your entire unit knows this and has watched it happen. You can accomplish anything with that safety, love, and support. ❤
That was beautiful. Keep writing and sharing to the world about Emma, your special treasure ! Love YOU
Continued prayers of strength and love to you and your family. I can’t even imagine the pain you are all experiencing. Hoping you find comfort in the wonderful memories you are sharing of your beautiful angel.
Thank you so much for sharing your heart and taking us to that “vulnerable” place. I truly know I can only being to “grasp” how you feel each moment. I’m just sick for you and your family. We were never created to experience the sting of death. And my only hope is in my savior, Jesus, who promised to wipe all our tears away. But until that day arrives, I pray that His peace that passeth ALL understanding will guard your heart and mind.
I have cried and prayed for you and your family. My heart aches for the emptiness I can only imagine with your words but honestly I can’t even come close. Through our sisterhood of being mom I want you to know I love you and I don’t even know you. I think you are a strong mom who is doing great even through the fog. Thank you for sharing your story. You are brave!
We dearly love you and your family. Prayers continue!
I just can’t imagine your pain……………… What I know is that through your tragedy, I have more of an urgency to hug my kids tighter, enjoy their conversations more, dance like crazy with them, laugh uncontrollably, and in general, cherish every day with them! After a hospital scare with my husband, (being released today,) the same sense of urgency rings true. My priorities have changed, because you have shared your love and your sorrow……………..Hugs and prayers never-ceasing!
Thank you sir sharing your heart, it helps to know how to pray for you all. ❤️. (((Hugs)))
I know it’s too painful for you, but maybe you can select someone to go on your phone to save Emma’s texts to you. My best friend died and I cherished our texts. Then my iPhone was crapping out. It was to be replaced and the Apple employee said I would lose my texts. I was devastated! So I sat there sobbing, in the Apple Store, screen shotting our texts so they would upload to iCloud as photos. It was awful, it was too raw and too soon to re read them. But they are too precious to me to lose. Clinging to Christ with you, Kelley
Thank you so much for thinking of this!
I wont even begin to pretend that I know what you are struggling with. I have not lost a child but that doesn’t mean my heart doesn’t ache for your family the same. I have been praying for you, your husband and children and crying out to God that he will bring you peace.
Perfectly captured. You are so articulate and your voice matters so much. Thank you for sharing. We love you and appreciate your strength. XO.
Thank you for sharing these beautiful things about Emma with us. Hugs and love and prayers to you and your entire beautiful family.
What you are going through is so unimaginable. Reading your heart-breaking posts about Emma is so unbearable. If it is that difficult for me to read them, how much more difficult must it be for you to live it?
I think this that you are going through is probably the worst thing a parent can endure.
I have been waiting to contact you to find the right words. The reality is, there are no right words.Nothing I can say will bring Emma back or make it better at all.
When my daughter was born with Down Syndrome, I’m ashamed to admit that it seemed like that was a parent’s worst nightmare. Then we we almost lost her during open heart surgery, I understood that losing her would have been far worse.
I remember how I felt that day, when they weren’t sure she would make it. I remember wanting to escape the pain, but realizing there was no way out. I am multiplying that desperation by 100,000 and still can’t grasp where you are. I do remember those days, how I was shocked that the world continue to spin and people got on with their lives while my life felt shattered. I remember at night in my dreams everything would be okay, then I would wake up in the morning and have to face reality again.
Praying for your precious family.
Thank you so much. You are right, there are just no words. It is hard to watch the world continue to go on and we are stuck in time. Thank you so much.
Your stories of Emma while heartbreaking are also very beautiful and touching. Please keep sharing.
Tiff thank you for sharing I could imagine how difficult it. Is to share but, I believe it helps with the grieving process. When we lose a piece of our heart it is difficult to find the words but it flows freely in you! I can feel your love for your Emma the heartache your feeling . I hope you find the peace within your heart .
Hugs to you sweet lady,
Maria
Thank you for sharing…I continue to pray for you and your family. My heart breaks for each one of you.
Tiffany I don’t personally know you, other than following you on ig and ur blog, but every time I read soemthing you post I cry, I cry and I cry a bit more. You are so strong, I could not imagine being in your shoes. May God bless you always and forever.
Maybe you have already done this but I thought I would suggest… Spend a day or half a day with each of your kids individually. Let them pick any activity (movie/lunch/riding bikes/library/etc.) and just enjoy the time with them. Then take some time for yourself and do something you love.
I’ve followed your story with tears in my eyes, and my heart aches for you, but this is my first comment. Your kind words about your beautiful Emma have made me look at my own daughter through a different lens. Rather than being critical of her actions – which I think is too easy when raising kids in today’s world – I’m seeking to focus on the good in her every day. You are a wonderful mother to recognize Emma’s special blessings and talents, and both you and Emma have inspired our family. Peace to you always.
The pain permeates your words on the page; I feel it every time I read a post from you and Paul. It’s obvious how special and precious Emma is, what a loss this world has suffered. I also see Emma in you, Tiffany. I know we haven’t “met”, but it’s evident to me that you must be her strongest influence. Thank you once again for sharing your beautiful girl with the world.
I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet Emma. Reading your post brought tears to my eyes. Our son passed away almost nine years ago. It is never OK to bury your child. My heart breaks for your family.
I am so sorry for the loss of your son. We should not have to be doing this.
I have been praying for you and your family…and that you experience the hope that Christ brings.
God bless you. I don’t know what to say when I am with someone who is experiencing such pain. I don’t want to make it worse. Thank you for sharing that no matter what I need to reach out. Emma is absolutely beautiful. And so are you. Love and prayers from Maryland
I don’t know you and didn’t know Emma but I feel like I have gotten to know her through your posts over the last six weeks. What a day of pure, good light she is. Thank you for sharing Emma with us. I hope it brings you some comfort to be able to talk about your pain and what you’re going through. I am the youngest of nine kids so I know exactly what you mean when you talk about how every kid adds a certain something to the family dynamic, everyone has a role. I am so, so sorry that your family know longer has Emma physically with you. When I lost my dad last year it angered me when people would say that he was in a better place. I knew he was. I know families are forever. But I wanted him HERE. I wanted him where I could see and touch and hear him and talk to him. I know losing a father pales in comparison of losing a child whose life has just begun who had so many things ahead of her on the path. She sounds like she deserved to have a long life and to experience the things we all get to as we grow up. It is so unfair that she doesn’t. But I do believe, as you have mentioned you do, that Emma is with her Heavenly Father and this is His purpose and she is at peace now and she is in a perfect place with no pain or sorrow. I pray that God will grant you the peace you need, and I know that you will get there in time. You will get to see Emma again. You can still talk to her. I believe that she can still hear you. she can, and I think your husband mention has sent you some signs that she’s still with you. My grandmother lost her youngest child when he was very young and she always said that there’s no “getting over it” you will always feel this pain but you’ll learn to live with it. It will take some time. Allow yourself to feel this grief. It is the only way you will be able to eventually process it. But don’t ever feel guilty for grieving or mourning or being in pain. You’re supposed to be. This is a tremendous loss. And I am so sorry that you are going through this and you are in my prayers.
Rose Kennedy (president kennedy’s mother, four of her children died before she did) has a quote; It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.
Thank you so much for sharing with me. I know I will see her again. But like you said, i want her here with me NOW. I am so sorry about the loss of your Dad. Thank you for taking the time to write me.
Thank you so much for sharing your feelings and your angel with us all. You must be a wonderful mom to have raised a responsible and such caring daughter at such a young age. I’m so very sorry for your family’s loss. You are a inspiration to many who have lost love ones and feel the same way you put it in words. I felt this same way but couldn’t never explain it other then just being lost in in a house full of family I felt alone. You know God has his reasons and someday we will know why these horrible losses happen to us. Thank you for sharing your beautiful daughter with us. God bless your family.?
I am so sorry, but heart is broken for you. You are one strong lady!
In reading this andand your other posts, I feefeell that while sorting through your painful raw emotions you are also taking a close dear look capturing all the beauty that was your daughter. It is these detailed accounts that someday will be treasured keepsakes that bring a smile to your face and all those that loved her that you share them with.
I also think it will help her “littles” especially the younger ones recall their sister in a whole not just the years they knew her but the years that just you and your husband and so on experienced.
While it may seem that texts or content matter now try to remember that a memory is a sum of things. You were in contact with each other and in each other’s thoughts. You both cared to write, read, and respond… That sharing of the daily lives is precious.
As a good parent you raised and nurtured the kind individual she was…nothing can take away how she touched the lives of your family. I know that she changed each of you in a positive way that would not be if not for her. That is her legacy and those characteristics, lessons, etc will continue to live on ineach of you.
I’d suggest to wrap all of your typed memories from each of the family and friends into a book. Bring it out when you want to recall the vivid details of what makes you smile about your daughter or just want to reconnect.
I have a question for you… How did Emma feel about Mondays?
Hugs to you and best wishes
Thank you. I am sure she hated them as well.. It meant going back to school 🙂
Keep talking and keep telling us about Emma. Just as you have been here for your readers with your wonderful blog…we are here for you now to listen, pray, and remember your darling girl.
Tiffany, I lost my son 3 years ago this month. it doesn’t matter how many times people say i’m sorry or i’m here for you or is there anything i can do, it’s just as a mother you don’t feel complete. I know the emptiness is there. I said i was going to write a book, but for 3 year’s I shut down. Hang in there mom and keep writing. it’s beautiful. Look up to the sky and just breath in. Josie
Thank you for sharing. I didn’t know Emma super well: I only saw her when I came to church with my grandparents. However, she was very admirable, sweet and kind. I love learning more about her. I hope you continue to share with us stories about her. I hope sharing and hearing stories about your sweet girl helps you in some way. Prayers are said in my heart for you and your awesome clan. 🙂
Only Jesus will be enough to fill that hole you speak of…I hope I am not offending, but it is true. I have a picture that touches my heart every time I look at it. It is Jesus holding up a very tired worn out man…a symbol of what you need. I will pray for you:)
Your words are so powerful. I hope knowing that you are changing lives with your words brings you some comfort. They are hard for me to read, but have changed the way I am living my life and treating the important people in my life (kids, husband – everyone really)
Thank you for sharing your feelings, thoughts and memories of your cherished daughter.
Tiffany, I by just chance came across your website today for the first time and read your posts on your beautiful daughter Emma. I am so very sorry for your loss. I read all of the posts on Emma and listened to her playlist on Spotify. Thank you for sharing your heart. I truly believe that sharing and talking helps to heal us. When I lost my daughter my family avoided us too because they didn’t know what to say. I wish you and your family peace and strength and don’t ever stop talking and it is fine to cry whenever you need to. Take care.
Thank you so much and I am so sorry for your loss.
As you said, ” our hearts are not broken, but truly softened.” My ” softened” heart is praying for you and your family and all your friends as you live through this nightmare. Hope you find some comfort knowing so many care for you.
I’m so sorry. My sister was born in 2000, and I am trying to imagine life without her, and even thinking about it from a sisters perspective is making me feel a bit nauseated. I hope that your memories bring joy to you.